How to talk to your child: Tools for modeling Communication through Connection

Parenting is no easy task. You may notice that a specific approach works well with one child, but not the other. You have success navigating a BIG feeling moment with your child, but those skills aren’t as successful the next time. Everyday parents are learning what works and what doesn’t for each of their children, this includes figuring out what type of approach to communication the child needs in that moment. A step that is often overlooked is connecting before having a conversation with a child. Establishing connection with your child and using effective communication skills can help improve things like confidence, self-awareness, conflict management, self-esteem, and ability to express their authentic self. 

Questions to help guide you

Many parents try their best to communicate and understand their child in a way that makes sense for them. At times though, parents forget that there are many ways to communicate that do not involve verbalization. If you find yourself struggling to connect with your child through verbal communication, it may be helpful to pause and ask yourself:

• How can I help my child express themselves in a way that helps them feel comfortable? 

• Is there a game we can play to help us connect as we express ourselves?

• How can I support my child as they learn how to make better choices? 

• What can I say to my child instead of “NO”? 

• Remember, verbal communication is just one way of communicating.    

Steps in how to communicate with your child

While there is no right way to communicate, there are skills and tools that may help facilitate communication skills that work for each person. The following resources may be used to better help you foster connection with your child, model effective communication, and boost confidence in both you and your child:

1. CONNECT -Establishing connection with your child is crucial before you jump into a conversation. Every child seeks connection in their own way. For example, when a child asks to play, some children may prefer to engage in cooperative play while other children may prefer parallel play. Following the lead of the child can help create a safe and welcoming environment. Pause and ask yourself: 

   • How does my child seek connection with me? 

   • How does my child seek connection with others? 

   • How does my child prefer to play? 

   • How do I seek connection with others? 

   • How do I bond with my child?         

2. OBSERVE- Be open to becoming curious! Every child communicates differently- rather than approaching communication with the assumption that you know exactly what you are observing, it is important to meet your child where they are. By becoming curious of the possible meanings to the behaviors you are observing, you are creating an opportunity to see the world through the perspective of your child.  

   • Acknowledge the clues - Pause, and ask yourself: What can I observe that leads me believe that my child is present and aware of what is happening in the moment? What can I observe that leads me to believe that my child is too distracted and has checked out of the conversation? What can I observe that leads me to believe that I am overwhelming my child with too many words? These questions may provide insightful to help you identify what your child may need from you. If you are seeking confirmation for your observations, a helpful tool can be to start your statement with “I wonder…”. For example, “I wonder if you understand what I am trying to say.”, “I wonder if something I said was confusing.”, or “I wonder if I’m using too many words right now.” These statements move away from direct questions, which can help you name your curiosity out loud for your child to hear. Your child is now given the opportunity to confirm or correct through their perception, without the pressure of direct questions. Since the statements are not questions, you can give the child the freedom to decide if they even need to respond. Pay closer attention to their non-verbal cues if your child chooses to not respond to your curiosity statement. ALL behavior is communication! Ultimately, we are trying to create a safe space that welcomes what we can give in that moment.

3. MODEL- Trying your best to be free of distractions is a great starting point for conversations. Speak to your child with respect- we model the way we want to be spoken to. When it comes to eye contact, some people find it uncomfortable and difficult to maintain eye contact. A person does not have to look at you in the eyes to be present and engaged in the conversation. Leaving it up to the child if they choose to maintain eye contact or not will help them feel safe and comfortable being in that space. Feeling comfortable and safe then helps them express themselves with less pressure.

   • Posture: Face the child and keep an open body posture that is relaxed and non-threatening. Remember, a lot of messages can be communicated through our non-verbal cues! Ask yourself- What am I trying to communicate through my non-verbal cues? Am I being intimidating? Am I showing my active listening and engagement? Am I communicating that I care about their point of view?

   • Active listening: Active listening skills include things like paying undivided attention to your child as they share and creating equal importance to both verbal and non-verbal communication. Communication is contingent on listening, not just hearing. We listen with the intention to understand the perspective of someone else. Focus on letting your child express themselves, even if you don’t agree with something they said. The goal is to better understand their perspective, giving them the space and autonomy to share their feelings. The parent will have an opportunity to give their perspective once the child is done sharing theirs.   

   • Open ended questions: Open ended questions spark conversations by prompting answers that keep a conversation going for longer.  “Did you have a good day at school?” is an example of a closed ended question, which can be answered in one word. Whereas an open-ended question like “What was something exciting that happened at school today?” or “What was the most boring part about school today?” encourages conversation and helps the client identify something from their day. Paying attention to these conversations allows you to obtain insight into your child’s lived experiences, which then helps you to know your child better. Knowing more about your child then shows them you are invested and interested in their life and what is shaping their perception.

4. ADAPT- Communication is not one size fits all- what works for your oldest may not be as effective on your youngest. Every child is different, and every child will change as they grow and learn through their lived experiences. Parents can help support their child with their self-expression by noting how the child chooses to communicate, maybe it’s through words, art, play, or other specific behaviors.   

   • Know different tools: having different tools for effective communication is a way to promote conversation with your child. Having multiple tools can help parents try different things to see what the child needs in the present moment. Some ideas include: 

   • Add a physical item like a talking wand, rock, or stuffed animal to pass to the person speaking. This helps remind us to pause and listen, knowing that it is not our turn to share yet. This helps encourage patience until it is our turn to talk.  

   • Summarizing the child’s perspective in your own words can help you better digest the information. This process then facilitates our ability to validate the child. 

   • Check in- Create a habit to check in with your child to see how they are feeling in the present moment: A way to help encourage curiosity about our feelings is to have a physical copy of a feelings chart and selecting a designated spot for the feelings chart. An item found in a frequently used space, like the fridge in the kitchen, can help us pause and think of how we may be feeling in the present moment. Identifying how we feel can then help us decide if we need something in the moment.           

   • Fostering a growth mindset: try to stay away from shaming language that could have the potential of negatively impacting your child’s self-esteem. We don’t know what words will be internalized by the child, so pause and be mindful with what you communicate. If you say something you didn’t mean, name it and say what you meant instead. This helps model that we make mistakes and can choose to try again. Moving away from unhelpful language can help encourage reflection within you to help you better understand why your child is behaving the way they are during that moment. This reflection can then help you think of ways to model the behaviors you want to see in the future. 

Connection is Key

Growth in communication is not linear, and not every conversation will go smoothly. First focus on connecting with your child to help ground them in the present moment to start a conversation. Be curious of the possible meanings for the behaviors you are noticing, moving away from jumping to conclusions and creating shame through your assumptions. Through connection and curiosity, parents can create a welcoming space that allows their children to feel validated, seen, and heard.    

We’d love to connect with you! Do you have more questions about communication? Our team at Houston Feel Good Therapy is here to help. To schedule an appointment or consultation, call or text us at 832-966-0214 or email at admin@houstonfeelgoodtherapy.com. We look forward to supporting you on your journey!