Mental load of motherhood- how to rock the "mom job"

Motherhood can often feel like you are playing every role in a play- you’re mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and neighbor all at once. This “one woman show” leaves you too exhausted to perform the encore- when you get to play yourself. 

Many of my clients express the feeling that they have to sacrifice their own identity in favor of all the roles that come with motherhood. Self-care takes the back-burner in favor of bedtime, and it starts to seem that everyone’s needs get taken care of but yours. This drives a wedge between the “work” life of the mom and personal life, which takes a toll on partner and family relationships. 

But this is just how it is, right?

Well, not exactly!

At least, it doesn’t have to be like this. Understanding this mental load and equipping yourself with tools to combat it lets you rock the “mom job” and still be a person at the end of the day. 

More Than Multitasking: Defining Mental Load

When thinking about mental load, most people imagine tangible things- the dishes, carpool, grocery lists, and dinner on the table. However, this is just the surface of mental load. The mental checklists, stresses about finances, feelings of strain on relationships, can also pile up, creating mental load. Mental load is the cognitive and emotional labor that effects how we plan, manage, and sometimes stress over the daily needs of our families. This can show up in different ways:

• Scheduling and managing pediatrician appointments

• Cooking dinner that your picky toddler will actually eat

• Making sure the house doesn’t run out of toilet paper or wipes

• Coordinating with teachers to make sure your kid is thriving in school

• Balancing work deadlines while making sure your children aren’t fighting all the time!

Mental load is not always visible- sometimes, it’s a leak in your faucet of energy that quietly drains your focus, leaving you overwhelmed, exhausted, and unsupported. This silent burden not only impacts your well-being, but overflows into your relationships and identity. 

The “Perfect Mom” Myth

In today’s age, social media makes it impossible to escape the “Perfect Mom” influencer- she has the cleanest, most aesthetic house, the cutest clothes, and the happiest family. Instead of feeling motivated to be more like her, you end up feeling defeated before you start, and the mom guilt sets in. Reality is, the right planner or gym routine won’t magically create more hours in the day for your kids, partner, housework, and yourself. What they don’t show on social media is the day your child gets sick and is home from school, or tackling a work problem while trying to remember everything you need from the store for dinner. The key is not balancing your days, but aligning them to what is most important. Pour into what matters that day- sometimes, it’ll be your child, others your relationship, and some toward you! Showing up for what matters isn’t selfish- it’s selfless, as it allows you to present the best version of yourself you can that day. Letting go of the “Perfect Mom” balancing act will help you shift your expectations and recognize that the secret to nailing the “Mom Job” is just showing up- for your child, your relationship, and yourself. 

Two to Tango: Mental Load and Your Partner

One of the biggest consequences of mental load I hear from clients is how it affects their relationship with their partner. It often looks like a downward spiral- mom is too tired after a long day to pour into intimacy time, which leads to the partner feeling disconnected. The withdrawal of the partner creates guilt in the mom, further disconnecting the relationship. It becomes one more thing to add to the ever-growing mental checklist. 

Stronger Together: Transforming Tension into Teamwork

One of the most daunting parts of working through mental load is sharing it with your partner. However, practice makes perfect! Taking the first step to sharing your struggles is the most important in helping you find your normal and bringing intimacy back into your relationship. 

Here’s a helpful guideline to tackling the mental load discussion with your partner in a way that invites teamwork, not defensiveness.

1. Timing is everything. After a long day when you both have no energy may not be the best time to talk about how exhausted you are. Set a date in your week where you know you both have the capacity to discuss mental load without it being strenuous or stressful. 

2. Feelings, not fault. Focusing on explaining your side allows teamwork, where critiquing breeds defensiveness and guilt. When describing feelings, use, “I feel” statements before “you make me feel..” . Reframing this reminds your partner that it is US vs. PROBLEM, not YOU vs ME. When talking about future changes, using “we” can help shift blame from just the partner to a shared commitment to the relationship. “We should dedicate time in the week to reconnect” sounds a lot easier than “you need to make time for me.” It’s about collaboration, not controlling. 

3. Direct, but realistic. Change doesn’t happen overnight or without knowing what to change. Being direct about expectations is important but also remembering that your partner is human is important, too. If your partner’s idea of helping is just asking, “what can I do?”, the first step is to explain why that isn’t the most helpful. Acknowledging their intention will help them feel seen (ex: I love that you’re willing to drop everything for me, but sometimes asking me adds to my mental checklist instead of helping, which I know is your intention). Find a solution that is achievable for your partner but also meets your needs.  

   
   

Rebuild to Reconnect

Even after finding achievable solutions to lightening your mental load, the reconnection to your partner can still feel daunting or awkward. The truth is, it won’t change overnight. But, intentional and manageable additions to your relationship can help bridge the gap and help a relationship find the “new normal” in parenthood. 

Creating Connection

Sometimes, connection requires thinking outside the box! What once was usual cuddle sessions may not have the same effect after a day of chasing around a toddler. Change is normal! A good place to start is knowing how your partner likes to receive love. Sometimes, it’s a hug after work, and others, it’s their favorite dessert waiting for them in the fridge. Showing up in small ways shows your partner, “I see you, and I care about you.” This prevents you and your partner from feeling like coworkers, and into feeling like a relationship. 

One of the major underlying emotions I see in clients experiencing mental load is feeling unappreciated. Knowing this, thank you goes a long way! Simple, yet intentional and effective. Thank-yous make us feel good and want to continue the behavior that we are rewarded for. Heartfelt thanks aren’t just polite- it’s the recognition of effort that reinforces connection and value in any relationship. 

Someone Just for You: How Motherhood and Postpartum Therapy Helps You Feel Seen

Sometimes, navigating the new normal postpartum requires additional support. While your partner can show up in the home space, sometimes having an outside source of peace and stability can empower moms to manage the mental load while strengthening their relationships. Remember, you are human! You deserve to be happy, not weighed down by the pressing needs of your family. Working with motherhood and postpartum therapist can equip you with the tools necessary to cope with the stresses, hardships, and overwhelming feelings of being a mom. Parenting therapy can also provide you and your partner with communication skills to express what you to better feel seen and supported in the home. Most of all, therapy can give you a sense of yourself again. Scheduling a session can give you a set time in the day to show up for you. 

Schedule a free consultation today to learn more about how you can change how mental load looks in your life during this transition. Remember, you deserve to Feel Good. Our team at Houston Feel Good Therapy is here to help. To schedule an appointment or consultation, call or text us at 832-966-0214 or email at admin@houstonfeelgoodtherapy.com. We look forward to supporting you on your journey!